Clearance

I used to belong to the past and the future, X tells me, to regret and fear. I bounced between the two until I realised there was no present through which to bounce. And yet they’re still here, he says, the regrets and fears, only they’ve lost their roots in the past and future. Then what am I to make of them, he asks me, their attempts to guide me through my life? Now they bleed into each other, he says, they make a mockery of my memories and expectations. That was my downfall, he says, when I realised there was no present, no moment of control. It opened everything up and lost nothing. I still bounce between regrets and fears, but they’re no longer mine, he says. I wake up cursing myself and go to bed anxious, but the hope for control is gone. What are they trying to clear my life for, he asks, these feelings, and is all his talking to me somehow part of that clearance? What am I trying to stand face to face with, what’s trying to stand face to face with me, is it you? he asks. Or is it only something that will start me talking again, that will start the fears and regrets churning again?