Monthly Archives: December 2009

Nothing that is not false

Decidedly this evening I shall say nothing that is not false, I mean nothing that is not calculated to leave me in doubt as to my real intentions.

— Beckett, Malone Dies

Go fuck yourself

I tell X I’ll never give up, I’ll never give in to him. It’s like when I was young and I imagined my older self settling into a suburban life, a life of the abyss, a death-in-life. No I’ll never give into you, I say, go fuck yourself. Leave me alone, let me live.

Like a dog

The humiliation, I tell X. That I should end up like this, like a dog that about to be put down. Like a dog.

In you

‘You show yourself only by masking yourself. In you my power becomes my powerlessness and my end my beginning.’

In error

I tell X I’ve never escaped this feeling of being in error. Something went badly wrong somewhere and you made it go wrong, I say. Is it because you’re in error too? I ask. Is it because the whole world is in error, because life itself is in error?


‘Can I remember the time before you? Before you supplanted me I supplanted you, is that much clear? It was a time of false mastery, of false growth in a false clearing. So did truth arrive with you, are you truth? You come into my clearing and topple me, fell my hopes, and this toppling is your truth for me even as I grow.’

The flower of death

‘In you my end unfurls and blooms. Like a great flower of death that grows and smothers as it grows. And so my end grows into the light and my death is born over and over.’