Notes from a Room

A simple smile, X tells me, an act of kindness, you know yourself what that can do to you, especially in this town. So why don’t you give it to me? What’s wrong with you? he says. Is it me? It’s me, isn’t it? Why don’t you answer? You don’t have it to give, do you? Only to others, but that’s a lie, isn’t it, if you can’t even give it to me? Your dead eyes give you away, he says. A million lifetimes… Who do we talk to about this? Do we even care? Let’s get a few bottles and have a quiet night in, he tells me, maybe a takeaway.

Why don’t you ever read anymore? X asks me. Look at how you spend your time, with those trivialities you worship. You’re afraid, aren’t you, he says, not just lazy but actually afraid to read. Because it pulls you under time, doesn’t it, under all your errands and distractions, under your chatting and your bad jokes, and makes you face yourself, and me, and our horrible predicament, our hatred for each other and our failure. Well, welcome to my world, he says, now get reading, you never finish anything, learn something. I need more than self-help clichés, I need more than your friends, I couldn’t give a shit about your achievements, I’m in prison, the rats are gnawing at my feet, they’re waiting for me to die, learn something, help me! he says. So many years, he says, it seems like a million lifetimes, the endings of a million lifetimes.

Your dead eyes, X tells me. Look alive! Give me something! How do you expect me to be saved if you give me nothing? Two can play at that game, you know… I suspect you have nothing to give, he says, just as I have nothing to give you. So who should we listen to? he asks. Who’ll save us?

You couldn’t sleep, what do you mean you couldn’t sleep? our uncle tells me. Bad dreams, what bad dreams? I don’t dream, he says, I don’t have time for dreaming. Don’t worry about all that, he says, just crack on. Go put some more soil on the barrow. This bit here needs more fresh soil, otherwise the grass will never grow. I’ll keep digging, I’m ahead of you already, he says.