Monthly Archives: December 2009


‘You’re water that flows out of itself, away from itself. Where’s your spring, where’s mine? You flow into me, away from me.’

Violently bored

I tell X I could be walking through some gleaming seaside village under a serene sky, I could be dreaming under a lone oak tree, calm and content, instead of letting him get to me. Get off me, I say, you’re like a needy dog, you bore me, I’m violently bored.

Closed up

‘I fell back in the hole. It got deeper and wider, I could hardly see the light. I looked down and it closed up.’

The last resort

‘I name you “you” and am instantly led astray, already guilty. I backtrack from my naming and my backtracking itself leads me astray. Are you behind me or ahead of me? I deny you, pretend it never happened, but it’s too late. There’s no I to go back to, no I without you. As a last resort I imagine I fall silent and let you name me, and have to laugh. Now I have nothing to defend, but my defences remain.’

Have I spoken?

Have I spoken or announced anything worthy of God? Rather I feel that I have done nothing but wish to speak: if I have spoken, I have not said what I wished to say.

— Augustine (quoted in Sells, Mystical Languages of Unsaying)

As I look down

‘I fall back in the hole, deepest this time. This time I look up and can barely see the light. The end is here, the endless end. Nothing helps, not even you, especially you, since you were the first cause of my falling. And as I look down you pull me up, higher than I’ve ever been.’