‘A person cannot live without a steady faith in something indestructible within him.’ Kafka’s das Unzerstörbare… Isn’t that what you felt that day in the chapel, when you were in the hole, when you’d hit bottom? A power that made you both meaningless and meaningful, before which you were neither I nor he. The impersonal light through the stained-glass window. Your smallness and the greatness of God. Room to breathe. A sense of dignity.
Indestructible, that’s as good a word as any. You sense it sometimes, like today. You can come to it or not, fall away from it and return, it remains, at least as an inkling. Unzerstörbar: there’s hope in that word, which sounds so harsh in German.