July 1959
Matter of confession
In the darkness…
Lord, my God, who am I that You should forsake me? The child of your love—and now become as the most hated one—the one You have thrown away as unwanted—unloved. I call, I cling, I want—and there is no One to answer—no One on Whom I can cling—no, No One.—Alone. The darkness is so dark—and I am alone.—Unwanted, forsaken.—The loneliness of the heart that wants love is unbearable.—Where is my faith?—even deep down, right in, there is nothing but emptiness & darkness.—My God—how painful is this unknown pain. It pains without ceasing.—I have no faith.—I dare not utter the words & thoughts that crowd in my heart—& make me suffer untold agony. So many unanswered questions live within me—I am afraid to uncover them—because of the blasphemy—If there be God,—please forgive me.—Trust that all will end in Heaven with Jesus.—When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven—there is such convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives & hurt my very soul.—Love—the word—it brings nothing.—I am told God loves me—and yet the reality of darkness & coldness & emptiness is so great that nothing touches my soul. Before the work started—there was so much union—love—faith—trust—prayer—sacrifice.—Did I make the mistake in surrendering blindly to the call of the Sacred Heart? The work is not a doubt—because I am convinced that it is His not mine.—I don’t feel—not even a single simple thought or temptation enters my heart to claim anything in the work.
The whole time smiling—Sisters & people pass such remarks.—They think my faith, trust & love are filling my very being & that the intimacy with God and union to His will must be absorbing my heart.—Could they but know—and how my cheerfulness is the cloak by which I cover the emptiness & misery.
In spite of all—this darkness & emptiness is not as painful as the longing for God.—The contradiction I fear will unbalance me.—What are You doing My God to one so small? When You asked to imprint Your Passion on my heart—is this the answer?
If this brings You glory, if You get a drop of joy from this—if souls are brought to You—if my suffering satiates Your Thirst—here I am Lord, with joy I accept all to the end of life—& I will smile at Your Hidden Face—always.
April 1961
In Loreto, Father I was very happy.—I think the happiest nun.—Then the call came.—Our Lord asked directly—the voice was clear & full of conviction.—Again & again He asked in 1946.—I knew it was He. Fear & terrible feelings—fear lest I was deceived.—But as I have always lived in obedience—I put the whole thing before my spiritual father—hoping the whole time that he will say—it was all devil’s deception but no—like the voice—he said—It is Jesus who is asking you.—& then you know how it all worked out.—My Superiors sent me to Asansol [in] 1947—and there as if Our Lord just gave Himself to me—to the full. The sweetness & consolation & union of those 6 months—passed but too soon.
And then the work started—in Dec. 1948.—By 1950 as the number of the Sisters grew—the work grew.—
Now Father—since 49 or 50 this terrible sense of loss—this untold darkness—this loneliness—this continual longing for God—which gives me that pain deep down in my heart.—Darkness is such that I really do not see—neither with my mind nor with my reason.—The place of God in my soul is blank.—There is no God in me.—When the pain of longing is so great—I just long & long for God—and then it is that I feel—He does not want me—He is not there.—Heaven—souls—why these are just words—which mean nothing to me.—My very life seems so contradictory. I help souls—to go where?—Why all this? Where is the soul in my very being? God does not want me.—Sometimes—I just hear my own heart cry out—“My God” and nothing else comes.—The torture and pain I can’t explain.—From my childhood I have had a most tender love for Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament—but this too has gone.—I feel nothing before Jesus—and yet I would not miss Holy Com. [Communion] for anything.
You see, Father, the contradiction in my life. I long for God—I want to love Him—to love Him much—to live only for Love of Him—to love only—and yet there is but pain—longing and no love.—Years back—about 17 years now—I wanted to give God something very beautiful.—I bound myself under pain of Mortal Sin not to refuse Him anything.—Since then I have kept this promise—and when sometimes the darkness is very dark—& I am on the verge of saying “No to God” the thought of that promise pulls me up.
I want only God in my life—“The work” is really and solely His.—He asked—He told me what to do—He guided every step—directs every movement I take—puts the words in my mouth makes me teach the Sisters the way.—All that & everything in me is He.—This is why when the world praises me—it really does not touch—not even the surface—of my soul. About the Work I am convinced it is all He.
Before I could spend hours before Our Lord—loving Him—talking to Him—and now—not even meditation goes properly—nothing but “My God”—even that sometimes does not come.—Yet deep down somewhere in my heart that longing for God keeps breaking through the darkness. When outside—in the work—or meeting people—there is a presence—of somebody living very close—in very me.—I don’t know what this is—but very often even every day—that love in me for God grows more real.—I find myself telling Jesus unconsciously most strange tokens of love.—
Father, I have opened my heart to you.—Teach me to love God—teach me to love Him much. I am not learned—I don’t know many things about the things of God.—I want to love God as and what He is to me, “My Father.”
Very often I long to make use of the food I give my Sisters—but I can never do it—the same for spiritual books.
All these things were so natural to me before—until Our Lord came fully in my life—I loved God with all the powers of a child’s Heart. He was the centre of everything I did & said.—Now Father—it [is] so dark, so different and yet my everything is His—in spite of Him not wanting me, not caring as if for me.
When the work started—I knew what it will all mean.—
But with my whole heart I accepted then everything.—Only one prayer I made—to give me grace to give saints to the Church.
My Sisters, Father, are the gift of God to me, they are sacred to me—each one of them. That is why I love them—more than I love myself.—They are a very great part of my life.
My heart & soul & body belongs only to God—that He has thrown away as unwanted the child of His Love.—And to this
Father I have made that resolution in this retreat—
To be at His disposal.
Let Him do with me whatever He wants as He wants for as long as He wants. If my darkness is light to some soul—even if it be nothing to nobody—I am perfectly happy—to be God’s flower of the field.
October 1961
… As for myself, Father—I have nothing to say—for the darkness is so dark, the pain is so painful. Sometimes the grip of pain is so great—that I can hear my own voice call out—My God, help me. When I help my Sisters draw very close to Jesus—when I teach them to love Him with a deep—devoted—personal love—I long to be able to do the same.—The Sisters in front of my very eyes I see them love God—come so close to Him—grow daily so much like Him—and I, Father—am just “alone”—empty—excluded—just not wanted. And yet in all the sincerity of my heart—I am happy to see Him loved—to see the Sisters grow like Him. I am happy to love Him through them.—Rev. Fr. Van Exem was here for 8 days giving the Superiors retreat—not a word came from me.—It hurt me—because I have never kept anything from him.—But now I really have nothing to say …
February 1962
… Nothing goes in. I have realised something these days. Since God wants me to abstain from the joy of the riches of spiritual life—I am giving my whole heart and soul to helping my Sisters to make full use of it. I see them grow day by day in holiness—see them grow in the love of God—and the seeing makes me happy. As for myself, I just have the joy of having nothing—not even the reality of the Presence of God.—No prayer, no love, no faith—nothing but continual pain of longing for God …
May 1962
… How cold—how empty—how painful is my heart.—Holy Communion—Holy Mass—all the holy things of spiritual life—of the life of Christ in me—are all so empty—so cold—so unwanted …
September 1962
Often I wonder what does really God get from me in this state—no faith, no love—not even in feelings. The other day I can’t tell you how bad I felt.—There was a moment when I nearly refused to accept.—Deliberately I took the Rosary and very slowly without even meditating or thinking—I said it slowly and calmly. The moment passed—but the darkness is so dark, and the pain is so painful.—But I accept whatever He gives and I give whatever He takes. People say they are drawn closer to God—seeing my strong faith.—Is this not deceiving people? Every time I have wanted to tell the truth—“that I have no faith”—the words just do not come—my mouth remains closed.—And yet I still keep on smiling at God and all … I am sorry I missed you each time—for I would have loved to have the chance to go to Confession. Nearly every other week I have a different priest for Confession—and I never can speak—and also I have nothing to say.—How long the Good God will act this way, I don’t know—and I am happy that He knows. This is the only thing I do at present—to “Let His hand free.” He can do what He likes and as He likes.—Pray for me …
August 1964
… In my soul—I can’t tell you—how dark it is, how painful, how terrible.—My feelings are so treacherous.—I feel like “refusing God” and yet, the biggest and the hardest to bear—is this terrible longing for God.—Pray for me, that I may not turn a Judas to Jesus in this painful darkness. I was looking forward to speaking to you.—I just long to speak—and this too He seems to have taken the power from me.—I will not complain.—I accept His Holy Will just as it comes to me. If you have the time please write & do not mind my inability to speak to you—for I wanted to speak—but I could not …
May 1964
… Pray for me—for the life within me is harder to live. To be in love & yet not to love, to live by faith and yet not to believe. To spend myself and yet be in total darkness.—Pray for me.
January 1965
… As for me—what will I tell you? I have nothing—since I have not got Him—whom my heart & Soul longs to possess. Aloneness is so great.—From within and from without I find no one to turn to.—He has taken not only spiritual—but even the human help. I can speak to no one & even if I do—nothing enters my soul.—I was longing to speak to you in Bombay—yet I did not even try to make it possible.—If there is hell—this must be one. How terrible it is to be without God—no prayer—no faith—no love …
July 1967
Forgive me for asking you to come & then telling you nothing.—This shows you how terribly empty my soul is—but I am not afraid.—He has done marvels for me—Holy is His name.—Pray for me that in this darkness I do not light my own light—nor fill this emptiness with my self.—I want with my whole will only Jesus.—
Father, I wanted to tell you—how my soul longs for God—for Him alone, how painful it is to be without Him—how my thoughts are only the Sisters & the Poor.—Is this distraction [or] are these thoughts the cause of my praying?—They are my prayer they are my very life.—I love them as I love Jesus—& now as I do not love Jesus—I do not love them either. I know this is only feelings—for my will is steadfast bound to Jesus & so to the Sisters & the Poor …
Notes from a retreat, March-April 1959
EXAMINATION
Do I value the salvation of my soul? I don’t believe I have a soul. There is nothing in me. Am I working in earnest for the salvation of the souls of others? There was a burning zeal in my soul for souls from childhood until I said “yes” to God & then all is gone. Now I don’t believe.
What use am I making of creatures? I have no attachment.
Am I truly indifferent to my work, the companions with whom I work, my health, my success, my failure? Yes.
Am I indifferent to the love and affection of my companions and of the people for whom I work? Yes …
… Manifestation of Conscience.
Am I perfectly sincere to my Superior? I find it more and more difficult to speak—It is just closed …
EXAMINATION
How do I perform my daily exercises of piety? Very badly.
Do I keep to the prescribed time? Yes.
Do I have internal and external reverence? Yes.
Do I really consider Holy Mass to be the greatest action of my day? I want but it is not like that.
Do I receive Holy Communion with faith and love? No.
When visiting the Blessed Sacrament, do I really visit Jesus as my Friend, telling Him everything? He has always been the One to share, know everything in details—but now, it is not like that.
Do I say my Rosary with fervour? I want to love [Our Lady], but no love enters my heart.
— Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light
Notes from a Room 