How could I possibly say any more about the divine blessings the Lord has granted me? It must already be too much for someone to believe that he has given such gifts to someone like me. But both the Lord and his earthly representatives have commanded me to write this account. So, I will say a few more things in praise of God. May it please his Majesty that some soul may be inspired to serve him more, simply to see that he has given such mercy to a soul as lost as mine. What, then, will he grant to someone who truly serves him? May everyone everywhere be motivated to please his Majesty, who, even in this lifetime, bestows such wondrous tokens of his love.
The first thing to understand is that there can be different degrees of glory in different divine favours. It has amazed me to observe how the consolation and delight in some visions far surpasses the joy that comes from other visions. Sometimes the ecstasy God gives a soul in rapture is so perfect that she can’t imagine that there is anything left on Earth to desire, so she asks for nothing more. Ever since God first showed me how even in heaven different souls experience different levels of happiness, I have seen how here on Earth, too, there’s no limit to what the Lord can give. And so, I wouldn’t want to measure out what I offer up to the Lord. I want to engage the full extent of my life force, my health and my strength to serve him. I wouldn’t want to risk losing a single crumb of my ultimate reward through some fault of my own.
If someone were to ask me whether I would be willing to bear all the trials of this world until the world itself comes to an end, if it meant I would experience a little more glory in the next world, or else live without any trials and so not ascend as high in heaven, I can honestly say I would eagerly choose all the trials. I am yearning to rejoice in the knowledge of God’s greatness. I see that whoever understands him best loves and praises him most.
I don’t mean to imply that I wouldn’t be happy or count myself incredibly blessed to attain even the lowest level of paradise. Since I have deserved the bottom spot in hell, his Majesty will be showing me enormous mercy to bring me to heaven at all. May it be his will that I go there. May he not take my sins seriously.
What I’m saying is that, with God’s grace, I want to work very hard not to lose my chance to go to paradise through my own unconsciousness. Scoundrel that I am, I have already committed so many errors and forfeited such grace. Fortunately, I’ve learned something from every mystical favour the Lord has granted me. With each new vision or revelation, my soul has grown. In some cases, the benefits have been remarkable. The vision of Christ left me an indelible impression of his supreme beauty. I carry this beauty with me always. If one incident has such a powerful and lasting impact, imagine how much more deeply he imprints himself on my soul when he reveals himself to me again and again.
Here’s one benefit I derived from my vision of Christ. Before he appeared to me, I had this troubling tendency to become very attached to anyone I thought liked me. As soon as I began to detect that someone had fond feelings for me, and I myself found them attractive, I would start thinking about them all the time and recalling every detail of our encounters. I had no intention of forsaking God, but I was very happy whenever I got to see these people. I loved to think about them and reflect on all the positive qualities I perceived in them. This habit was becoming a serious problem, and leading my soul astray. After I had seen the extraordinary beauty of the Lord, no human being could compare with him or take his place in my thoughts. All I had to do was turn my gaze slightly inward to behold the image imprinted in my soul, and I was instantaneously free from all mundane attractions. In fact, everything here on Earth looked ugly to me compared to the excellent attributes I had glimpsed in this glorious Beloved of mine.
And his speech! There is no worldly wisdom and no human solace I can think of that could amount to anything compared with a single word uttered from those divine lips. Imagine how much more meaningful to hear many whole sentences. Unless the Lord were to punish me for my transgressions by erasing my memory of him, I think it would be impossible for me to become so entangled by thoughts of another person that I couldn’t extricate myself with the gentlest effort to return my attention to the Lord.
I experienced this kind of liberation in the case of one of my confessors. I have always had a tendency to develop a deep fondness for the men who guide my soul. I believe they stand in God’s place in a very real way, so my thoughts of them are intimately entwined with my thoughts of God. Because I feel safe with them, I express my affection, and this often seems to make them uncomfortable. Being God-fearing servants of the Lord, they are afraid that my love for them, even if it is a very spiritual love, might become a dangerous temptation for me, so they have treated me harshly. It never happens until I enter into a relationship of obedience to them. As soon as I begin to obey them, I grow fond of them. Sometimes when I saw how they were misinterpreting my feelings for them, I would laugh to myself, but wouldn’t let on to them how unattached I really was to any human being. But I did reassure them, and as they got to know me better, they realised that my primary attachment was to the Lord. These misunderstandings usually only occurred at the beginning of our acquaintance. Once I had seen this beloved of mine and had discovered how easily and continuously I could converse with him, my confidence in the divine friendship increased. I saw that, although he was God, he was also a man. And the frailties of the human condition didn’t surprise him. He understood our nature. He knew that our tendency to fall was because of the original fall. And that was exactly what he had come to repair. Even though he is Lord, I can speak to Christ as if he were a friend.
I know he isn’t like the lords we have here on Earth, whose authority is entirely artificial. They have designated times for speaking and designated people to whom they speak. If some poor little person has some business with such a lord, she has to go through all kinds of roundabout routes to get to him. She has to beg favours and endure insults just to have a moment of his time. Imagine if this person were trying to get an audience with the king. Poor people don’t have a chance. Unless a supplicant comes from the upper class, she can’t get close. Instead, she has to ask his assistants for help. And believe me, these aides are not men who have trampled the world underfoot.
Those who have severed their worldly attachments are not afraid to speak the truth. They are not obligated to anyone. They aren’t suited for palace life, because they can’t be who they are in such places. If a person like this were to see something he thought was wrong in the kingdom, he would have to hold his silence. He wouldn’t dare speak out, or even think about it, for fear he would fall from royal favour.
Oh, glorious King! Oh Lord of all kings! Your sovereignty is not plagued by trivialities. Your kingdom has no limits. Of course we don’t need intermediaries to reach you. All we need is a fleeting glance, and we immediately see that you alone deserve to be called Lord. You don’t require an entourage or armed guards to prove that you are King. Here on Earth, a king would not be recognised as king if he were all alone. no matter how much he wanted his status acknowledged, no one would believe him. He would look like everyone else. It is only outward displays of power and authority that convince people of his royal station. Stripped of these trappings, he commands no one’s esteem. The appearance of power has nothing to do with the man himself, but with the artificial display of authority that others confer upon him. Oh my Lord, oh my King! Who would ever know how to describe you? How could we ever fail to see that you are in yourself a great Emperor? A mere glimpse of your majesty strikes the heart with awe. Look how graciously you blend magnificence with humility. The more I see the love you pour on such a miserable creature as me, the more awestruck I become.
Still, once the first wave of fear from beholding your majesty passes, we feel free to engage in intimate conversation with you. We can say anything we like. Even though the fear of offending you grows stronger, it is not punishment we’re afraid of. Punishment is nothing compared to the possibility of losing you, my Beloved. Here are some of the benefits of this vision. For one thing, a vision that comes from God leaves marvellous effects when its light strikes the soul. But sometimes it’s the Lord’s will for a soul to remain in darkness and not see the light.
There are good reasons for a soul who knows herself, as I know myself, to be a little afraid. Just recently, I spent eight days feeling spiritually dry and empty. I lost all sense of gratitude toward God and couldn’t get it back, no matter how hard I tried. I couldn’t remember any of the blessings he has given me. My soul had sunk into a terrible stupor, and I had no idea how it had gotten there. I wasn’t having bad thoughts, but I seemed incapable of having any good ones either. I couldn’t help but laugh at myself; it amused me to see how low a soul can sink when God is not working in her every minute. This trial is not nearly as severe as others I have endured, because I don’t doubt that God is still with me. But in a state like this, no matter how much wood the soul piles on the fire, no matter what else she does by her own effort, the flames of love will not burn. Through God’s great mercy, she sees the smoke, so she knows the fire is not completely dead. The Lord will come back to rekindle it. Even though the soul bruises her head trying to blow on the embers trying to rearrange the wood, all she seems to succeed in doing is stifling the flames even more. I believe the best thing for the soul to do in this situation is to surrender totally. She needs to accept the fact that she can do nothing, and occupy herself by being of service to others. Maybe the Lord takes her away from her customary state of prayer, so that she will engage in charitable works, and realise that, by herself, she can do nothing anyway.
I have to admit, today I was delighting with my Beloved in prayer, and I grew very bold. Why isn’t it enough for you, my Lord, I complained, to keep me bound to this miserable life? For love of you, I endure all this, and resign myself to living in a place where everything hinders me from enjoying you. Here I have to eat and sleep and conduct business, and carry on conversations with everyone. It torments me, my Lord, but I suffer it all for love of you. In the few moments I have left over to enjoy your presence, how could you hide from me, my Beloved? Is this compatible with your compassion? How can your love for me allow this? I believe, Lord, that if I were able to hide from you as you have hidden from me, your love for me would make it impossible for you to endure it. But you are always with me, and you see everything I do. Do not put up with this separation a moment longer, my Beloved. I beg you to see how you are hurting the one who loves you so much.
It occurred to me to say many other things to my Beloved, knowing perfectly well how merciful he has been to me compared to what I deserve. But sometimes I become so crazy with love that I don’t know what I’m saying. With the full energy of my mind, I launch these complaints against my Lord, and he puts up with it all. Praise be to such a good King. We wouldn’t dare say these things to an earthly king. We would have good reason to be afraid of such a man, and of his representatives too.
— Teresa of Avila, The Book of My Life (tr. Mirabai)
Notes from a Room 