Category Archives: Writing

Maybe I could be a kind of assistant to you? X asks me. Help me out, he says, I’m racking my brains. Maybe I could be a helper, an inspiration? You laugh, but all I need is a word from you. You’re as weak as me now, or more, and getting weaker. You need me desperately now, and you know it, help me or I’ll kill you, I’ll kill us both.

Sometimes we get along, don’t we? X asks as we walk along the seafront on a quiet morning. Sometimes we’re calm and free. Sometimes we get lucky and like the same thing at the same time. Sometimes you meet someone who seems to know me, someone with a hanger-on like me. Then we can relax, he says, sometimes.

I flopped onto your shore like some deep-sea creature, X tells me. I came into your garden like a starving dog. You didn’t know how to deal with me, did you? You didn’t know how to stop my flopping and snarling. What have you learned since, how are you coping?

It’s cavernous, this space between us, X tells me on our way to the off-licence. I feel like I’m in a dark cave and my words are echoing all around me. How do you manage to talk to people from out of all this space, with all these echoes?

Look at you, X tells me at the barbeque, laughing and smiling, pretending to be normal. See, two can play at this game, he says, if that’s how you want to play. But I don’t, not really, he says, I want to love and be happy. Talk to me, please, he says, let me in on your laughter.

Walking the streets with X. It’s like walking with someone who keeps pushing you in the wrong direction. Always X and always this third anonymous man between us, or beside us, the more anonymous the more I try to locate him.

Is it the one you’re always mumbling to, X asks, the one you write your little notes to in your little book?

If only I could get rid of you, X tells me, just wipe you off my mind forever, then I could go straight to the source, the source of life! Then I could drink from a nourishing spring instead of a poisonous one. Isn’t that what you’re thirsting for too, he says, the spring of life?

You know that Buddhist saying, X tells me, ‘If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him’. If I met you on the road I’d kill you, he says. Would you kill me? It would be an act of compassion, he says, a noble act!

There’s a point when you almost give up, X tells me, when things have got as bad as they can, from bad to worse and still worse, from worst to worst, when you know you have to give up, when you’ve nothing left but the urge to express that you’ve nothing left, then lose even that, that’s when you reach the point of no return, he says, which was where I started when I started talking to you, the point where I gave up and had to go on.