Train

‘I took walks and train rides, scouting for ways and places to do it, toying with it. I narrowed it down to a train. I’d get off at a rural station, walk across the rolling fields with an eye on my watch, find a suitable place by a cluster of trees and wait. I’d have what they’d need in my bag, which I’d leave by the tracks. Sweet dream… What was I playing at? Whose will was this? It came down to a simple question of death or life… You’ve run out of options, said the voice, what’s holding you back but your own cowardice? You can’t live and you can’t die, you’re beyond useless. You couldn’t make it work and you can’t even make this work. You’d get that floating feeling of terror and aloneness and you’d cling to your useless life and go home to your regrets with your tail between your legs. You’ve got nothing left but me but you can’t even listen to me. How will this end for you, have you ever thought about that? Are you even capable of thinking about it? No, you’re not, that’s why you need me. Are you starting to see? But you can’t even listen to me, you can’t even do that right. Yet your whole useless life has come down to this and will continue to come down to this, and you know it. I know you know and you know I know you know. There’s nothing for it, it said, you know you’ve run out of options. You didn’t have a lot to start with, and those you had you squandered and now you’ve run out. And the longer you live the stronger I’ll grow. Listen to me… I took walks and train rides, scouting for ways and places to do it, toying with it. I narrowed it down to a train. I’d get off at a rural station, walk across the rolling fields with an eye on my watch, find a suitable place by a cluster of trees and wait. I’d have what they’d need in my bag, which I’d leave by the tracks. Sweet dream…’

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