Astray 18

Religion’s a funny one, Rob says on the way to the pub the next week.

Funny how? I say.

What does faith mean if it means believing in fairy tales?

It’s an act in itself. You like that kind of thing, don’t you?

You say that, he says, but where’s, like… the proof of it?

That’s with God.

That’s a nice get-out, though, isn’t it? he says. It’s like you only find meaning in the world after you believe in something that’s out of the world.

That’s true, I guess.

Look, I’m a socialist. I don’t think – ’

I know, I say.

So you just believe what the church tells you?

I believe in the creeds of the holy catholic church, I say.

So you’ve been brainwashed? he says.

You can call it that. A washed brain, wouldn’t that be nice.

I just don’t see it, he says. You people hide behind your faith. I’ll be honest, it’s infuriating. Look at how much harm religion’s done. I could give you an endless list. At least we try to change things.

Some of the folks in church do too, I say.

Yeah, but not because they believe in this world, on its own terms. They look at it through some mumbo jumbo, not the messy reality.

I don’t really believe in this world on its own terms, I say. Never did.

What, so you’re some kind of gnostic?

Seems like it’s pretty much ruled by evil.

You mean like the devil?

Yes.

Then the devil’s in church too, he says.

Oh yeah, he’s all over the place, I say as we wait at the bar.

So do you think you’re a better person because you go to church?

I don’t know. Yes, maybe.

I’m not seeing much proof of it, he says. Though I guess you seem a bit nicer these days.

I hope so, I say.

A woman turns to stare at us as we get our drinks. I wonder what she’s thinking.

I still don’t get how you people think, he says. The devil’s in this world, right?

Absolutely, I say.

So you have to fight him here?

Yes.

But you don’t really want to fight him in the real world, do you? he says as we make our way to the billiards table. You said you’re not that kind of person.

I guess it depends on what you think is real and what the real fight is.

There it is, he says. See, it makes no sense. We can go round in circles.

Fuck all that, I say. Let’s play some bar billiards.

Now you’re talking, he says. Heads or tails?

*

Dear God, I think as I walk home half-cut, you’re higher than the highest thoughts. No one can think you. You’re with the lowest too, the tortured ones on Earth, that’s what they used to say. Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world, deliver us from evil. Please. Have mercy on me a sinner, who doesn’t know what he’s saying.