With and without me

‘I couldn’t earn or predict it. Sometimes I got lucky and things came together, sometimes the current beneath acts and events carried me with it. I lived on despite myself. You lived on with and without me, anonymously.’

Is there nothing in your head?

‘My nerves are bad to-night. Yes, bad. Stay with me.
‘Speak to me. Why do you never speak? Speak.
‘What are you thinking of? What thinking? What?
‘I never know what you are thinking. Think.’

I think we are in rats’ alley
Where the dead men lost their bones.

‘What is that noise?’
The wind under the door.
‘What is that noise now? What is the wind doing?’
Nothing again nothing.
‘Do
‘You know nothing? Do you see nothing? Do you remember
Nothing?’
I remember
Those are pearls that were his eyes.
‘Are you alive, or not? Is there nothing in your head?’

— T.S. Eliot, ‘The Waste Land’

The void

When I looked at the streets
And when they looked at me
The void the void
The void could only stop being
When I … 123, 321, 123, 321
Mill, mill
When I looked at the streets
And when you were talking
When I tried to think
When I tried to think

Anxiety

Anxiety is narcissism and narcissism is anxiety. Far from being dispersed, the anxious, ontologically insecure self not only persists but is amplified in the world. This is the strange logic of anxiety: it simultaneously fragments the unity of the self while also placing that fragmentation at the centre of things. Indeed, anxiety’s ‘threat’ to self is at the same time a vindication of the self as a centre, a fundamental commitment to the narcissism of selfhood. Because of this fragmented centre, the world of the anxious subject takes as its point of departure an exaggerated, hyper-real view of things, in which perception and attention are drawn back to the anxious subject.

— Dylan Trigg, Side Effects

Secretary

I’ve invented nothing. I’ve simply been the secretary of my sensations.

— Cioran

Was it really some other person I was so anxious to discover, when I did all of that looking, or was it only my own solitude that I could not abide?
Wandering through this endless nothingness. Once in a while, when I was not mad, I would turn poetic instead. I honestly did let myself think about things in such ways.
The eternal silence of these infinite spaces frightens me. For instance I thought about them like that, also.
In a manner of speaking, I thought about them like that.
Actually I underlined that sentence in a book, named the Pensées, when I was in college.
Doubtless I underlined the sentence about wandering through an endless nothingness in someone else’s book, as well.
The cat that Pintoricchio put into the painting of Penelope weaving may have been gray, I have a feeling.
Once, I had a dream of fame.
Generally, even then, I was lonely.
Later today I will possibly masturbate.

— David Markson, Wittgenstein’s Mistress

Devils and angels

I know now that psychoanalysis would make sense for me only if I were really serious about the strange possibility of no longer writing, which during the completion of Malte I often dangled in front of my nose as a kind of relief. Then one might let one’s devils be exorcised, since in daily life they are truly just disturbing and painful. And if it happened that the angels left too, one would have to understand this as a further simplification and tell oneself that in the new profession (which?), there would certainly be no use for them.

— Rilke, letter to Lou Andreas-Salomé (tr. S. Mitchell)

What did I want?

‘So what did I want? I wanted to be in-between so I could be everywhere: neither outside nor inside, but stretched out between them until I broke open.’

Depths and wastes

‘I came from the depths, flopped onto the shore like a deep-sea creature. I came from far off, from the wastes, loped into the settlements like a starving animal. I wasn’t an exception, I wasn’t marked out for anything special, but I only understood people who’d come from the same depths and wastes. The others, almost all of them, seemed to speak a different language.’

Kafka quotes

In this love you are like a knife with which I explore myself. (Letter to Milena)

The true way is along a rope that is not spanned high in the air, but only just above the ground. It seems intended more to cause stumbling than to be walked upon.

The decisive moment in human evolution is perpetual. That is why the revolutionary spiritual movements that declare all former things worthless are in the right, for nothing has yet happened.

One of the first signs of the beginnings of understanding is the wish to die. This life appears unbearable, another unattainable. One is no longer ashamed of wanting to die; one asks to be moved from the old cell, which one hates, to a new one, which one will only in time come to hate.

A cage went in search of a bird.

Self-control is something for which I do not strive. Self-control means wanting to be effective at some random point in the infinite radiations of my spiritual existence.

His weariness is that of the gladiator after the combat; his work was the whitewashing of a corner in a state official’s office.

Previously I did not understand why I got no answer to my question; today I do not understand how I could believe I was capable of asking. But I didn’t really believe, I only asked.

The way is infinitely long, nothing of it can be subtracted, nothing can be added, and yet everyone applies his own childish yardstick to it. ‘Certainly, this yard of the way you still have to go, too, and it will be accounted unto you.’

It is only our conception of time that makes us call the Last Judgment by this name. It is, in fact, a kind of martial law.

Man cannot live without a permanent trust in something indestructible in himself, though both the indestructible element and the trust may remain permanently hidden from him. One of the ways in which this hiddenness can express itself is through faith in a personal god.

In the struggle between yourself and the world, back the world.

One must not cheat anyone, not even the world of its victory.

Theoretically there is a perfect possibility of happiness: believing in the indestructible element in oneself and not striving towards it.

Sensual love deceives one as to the nature of heavenly love; it could not do so alone, but since it unconsciously has the element of heavenly love within it, it can do so.

Truth is indivisible, hence it cannot recognize itself; anyone who wants to recognize it has to be a lie.

A belief is like a guillotine, just as heavy, just as light.

Humility provides everyone, even him who despairs in solitude, with the strongest relationship to his fellow man, and this immediately, though, of course, only in the case of complete and permanent humility. It can do this because it is the true language of prayer, at once adoration and the firmest of unions. The relationship to one’s fellow man is the relationship of prayer, the relationship to oneself is the relationship of striving; it is from prayer that one draws the strength for one’s striving.

‘It cannot be said that we are lacking in faith. Even the simple fact of our life is of a faith-value that can never be exhausted.’ ‘You suggest there is some faith-value in this? One cannot not live, after all.’ ‘It is precisely in this “Cannot, after all” that the mad strength of faith lies; it is in this negation that it takes on form.’

The right understanding of any matter and a misunderstanding of the same matter do not wholly exclude each other.

Life’s splendor forever lies in wait about each one of us in all its fullness, but veiled from view, deep down, invisible, far off. It is there, though, not hostile, not reluctant, not deaf. If you summon it by the right word, by its right name, it will come.

Kafka